Welcome into my life 2012. I’m planning for you to herald in a new season of battles few and pleasures many.

I’m the first to admit that 2011 didn’t go exactly as planned and I wouldn’t particularly rate it as momentous. I’d committed myself to stay focussed on centre this year, and for the second half of the year, I did. I’ve never really done that before and what a rollercoaster ride it set me on. Yes, you can. No, you can’t. I got things wrong. I dodged curve balls. I forgot about relevance and calibrated.The pictures at the end of the ride would have showcased one loud scream: get me off.

So before I rush off from last year, forget about it, and move on by writing a big long list of all the things I’d like to do this year, I felt a little need to recognise what did happen.

So in no particular order, here goes my 2011 bloody ripper wrap up from which to boldly take ten key lessons with me into the new year.

1. Learned how to say no

No and I have never had an easy relationship. It’s pretty easy to say and yet I’ve always had a problem getting it out. When I realised mid-year that I was in a job I didn’t apply for, saying yes too many times and no to everything I wanted to do, it was time to say a very fervent no, not just to the job, but to all that wasn’t taking me in the direction I wished to head. I realised I had yes exhaustion and really had to learn the meaning, and benefits, of no. I think I’m getting there. I’ve said no to lots of events, requests and people these past six months. I even told worry to fuck off. Saying no to others allows one to proclaim yes to self.

2. Went to university

I’ve never been to university. Work, life and opportunity always seemed to have got in the way. This year, I decided I wanted to learn a new skill I could take with me anywhere and allow me to make some money so I could commit to my writing.  In the second half of the year, I was so busy saying yes to myself that I realised I was doing two Diplomas and a Masters in Wellness. As well as working. And attempting to write. Woah. Apart from needing to get a little balance on the yes/no relationship, I realised that I loved to learn. It helped the studies had purpose, and not just because I needed a job out of school. Never be too old to stop asking why.

3. Love… actually…

It’s not happened very often in my life when I see someone from a distance and their energy makes me want to meet them. And meet them I do. I recall him saying “it will be fun”. I remember walking away from that offer and one hour later, grieving and writing condolences for my loss of spontaneity and randomness. Eight months later, that person is still in my life. He doesn’t need to be in my life every day. I don’t need to know his every movement. To close the open hand is hard. Love… actually… is a deep respect  for another human being that simply allows them to be themselves. To not expect them to be someone else. For then they would not be the one you love… actually… accept others for who they are, because of what they bring.

4. Completed a mission

My mission is detailed in Chapter 39.95, its success here. After riding around on the back of a motorbike for half a day, I managed to meet Nyoman, the moto driver, Ketut, his daughter and her baby son.  Whilst looking at the family photo album, Ketut brought me another book with a photograph of her prior to the operation, and my Dad. Nyoman started to cry, dug into his pocket and pulled out the driver’s license I had earlier returned, passing it back into my hands. “I miss your Daddy. He is a good man. You tell your Daddy to come and find me, like you found me.” Closure provides a door waiting to be opened.

5. Failures and demons

Like most years, I learned a lot in 2011. When I decided to go it alone, I learned how much better I am doing things for other people and not myself. I’ve learned I’m my own worst enemy. I’m far too independent. I admit I procrastinate when I sit in a room by myself. I confess I have let people down and am not afraid of sending out the apologies. I’ve dug out a few skeletons, brushed off a few chips and am still working on a few demons. I’ve said I’d do things. And didn’t. My hand is up high. No one is perfect. Everyone grows.  

6. Dancing and exercise

Thanks to my local council, I opted in for a ten week outdoor exercise program at my local park. Thanks to some wonderful friends, I stuck a second hand up for some Nia dance lessons. Over the last couple of months in the year, I’ve pedalled, swum, run, boxed, tapped, walked and squatted. Now the classes have finished, I miss it. My body and mind miss the adrenalin, stress relief, meditation and feeling of knowing I’d pushed just enough. Push some more.

7. Asked for help

It didn’t matter the request came back negative. I asked. Ask again.

8. Sketching

I never thought I could draw. After picking up a pencil mid-way through the year, quite often I’ll be found curled up on a couch or under a tree with a sketch book. A few people have suggested they’re not too bad and I should take lessons to learn a few finer skills. I thought about it. I won’t. I like being one with an image and a blank canvas. It’s my meditation. I don’t need to seek perfection. Love what you do. Do what you love. Love what YOU love.

9. Climbed a volcano

It wasn’t a momentous year, but it nailed a momentous 40^th birthday. With my yes exhaustion, I decided to head to Bali for some rest and relaxation. A few weeks out, I was determined to find myself a challenge to complete: and a 3100m volcano had my name on it. Commencing the ascent at 1.00am on the morning of my birthday, I climbed with the only female guide on the mountain. One foot in front of the other, a small headlamp beam providing the only glimpses of tropical growth and volcanic rock. The moon was hidden, and the hope of a magic sunrise slowly retreated as rain began its unwelcome fall. I had done a month’s half-hearted training before leaving Australia and spent the two days prior to climbing wandering around the hills of Bali’s central region.

One foot in front of the other. I was exhausted. Fear had crossed my path countless times. “Tina, we have 800m to go. It is the most difficult part of the climb. When you are ready we will go”. It was then I sat down and cried. An accumulation of fear swept through me: the fear I had felt as I’d slipped down a wall of loose rocks, the fear of coming down in the morning when it was light and seeing the vastness below me, my legs that could hardly move, the fear of again having to push myself, myself. “I can’t do it.” And I cried some more. “It is up to you Tina. You came here for a reason and it is your choice if you achieve that reason.”

Damn it. As the tears continued to fall, I began to laugh. I realised what I’d put people through. I realised the belief I have had in others, but never myself. I’d never climbed a mountain by myself. I didn’t like it. “There’s a boiled birthday egg to be had on top of that mountain. Let’s go.” Those shear rock walls that weren’t walked but free climbed, in the pitch darkness, were totally insane. I got there. To an unbelievable sunrise. I believe I can fly.

10. My biggest regret

This year I retreated – online and offline. In a world of information overload, I felt the necessity to step back and find more wisdom from within. As a creative person who has spent a good working lifetime helping others with creative ideas for their projects, apart from this blog and my new found appreciation of pencils, I have neglected to explore my creativity in the pursuit of my own projects. Two weeks ago, when I asked for help (and remember I got a no), I sat down and thought if my last test results weren’t so good and I was looking at a terminal illness, what would I regret? I went back to my ten things of value. Without hesitation, I answered that question. I thank my withdrawal for allowing me the space to be influenced by self. As much as I love my study, I’ve deferred the majority of my studies for next year. It’s time.

Now that’s all out in the air, it’s time for my 2012 resolutions

1. Get on with it!

you bloody ripper!

Have you ever got things really around the wrong way?

How about a really bad red nose day?

I was invited to a 40^th birthday. Theme: starlets, harlots and madmen.

As the birthday girl had some very clear thoughts on one of our nation’s leaders, I thought it was an obvious costume choice. The foreboding airport sign was perhaps an indication it was not.

On arriving at the party, I realised there was a benefit of owning a television, which I did not. Knowledge.

The beehives and 60’s frocks were a dead giveaway that I’d totally missed the mark with my budgie smugglers and chest hair.

And yet, there was something quite refreshing about getting something wrong and braving the frolics of those in the know.

Perhaps it was a hint of satisfaction that madness, creativity and fun co-exist… in the right kind of way.

you bloody ripper!

Autumn.

Keats wrote a beautiful ode to it.

‘To Autumn’ is reflective of life as a season whereby there is growth, harvest and death.

Is it strange we appreciate the hues of autumn as much as the vibrancy of spring?

I’ve observed the final moments. Twice. Death smiles at us all. Do we dare smile back?

Today, I decide to simply sit with a fistful of death, and meditate. On the harvest.

Death is beautiful. For in it, ebbs a tide of gratitude for life.

Dear Santa

It’s been a while. I guess I stopped writing because you stopped listening. I understand you may have had a little trouble finding me over the years so I’m letting you know that I’m finally settled in Melbourne, Australia (just in case you’re heading my way). I’d really like you to have a think about my Christmas wish as it’s a pretty big one and will definitely make up for the years when we’ve missed connecting.

Let’s face it Santa, the last few years I’ve been on my own little sleigh ride of emotion and personal discovery. There were times when I’ve seriously felt let down. Times I let others down. And definitely a whole lot of time where I let myself down. I’m realising that now I’ve finally grown up, like a young child, I feel a sense of excited anticipation as I prepare to tear off the redundant wrapping and ribbons to expose the gifts underneath. Let’s see if I’ll find what I ask for.

Yes, Halloween is just another commercial spinner to entice us to buy pumpkins, eyeball marshmallows, pumpkin pails and vampire teeth.

And it seems, toilet paper. Believe it or not, this year saw a spike of 10% in loo paper sales because mummies are apparently the fashionable choice to wear wandering the streets and go knocking on doors.

Does it really matter that the majority of those dressed as ghoulish vampires or princess fairies may not even be aware of the traditional Celtic celebration where the date marked the start of winter and costumes were worn to ward off harmful spirits and reinvigorate the sun?

Goodness knows we need some sunshine in Melbourne after a poor start to summer, so I was all in for transformation of my workplace. That, and the opportunity of dancing to Thriller and the ultimate Halloween Transylvanian Twist, Monster Mash.

Not one to normally jump on the commercialisation bandwagon (let’s face it, there’s a big gap between Father’s Day and Christmas), I have to sheepishly raise my hand and admit it was a little bit of fun getting up super early to drape web and big fat spiders everywhere, light up the pumpkins, stock up the pile of treats and paint a graveyard on my face.

But the best thing was everyone’s appreciative reaction as they wandered past and saw we were totally in the spirit of what would otherwise have been just another day.

So next time you are feeling like a commercialisation scrooge, don’t fight it. Get into the spirit of it. Even if it is helping to boost loo paper sales by wrapping it around your bah humbug mouth.

Mmmm…. Christmas. Has anyone got a red nose?

you bloody ripper!

I’ve felt it just for the sake of it. Then again, who hasn’t? I’m sure I’ve had a need that I wanted someone else to provide. When they did, I’m sure, I felt it. Actually, in that case, I’ve felt it more than once. There have been times when I couldn’t find anything more suitable, so I just used the label. I definitely know there have been times I just wanted to feel it, and did. Needless to say, I didn’t feel it for too long.

Love.

It’s a many splendoured thing. It’s an emotion that at times seems uncontrollable. Sometimes intense. Occasionally random. It has the power to carry us to the depths of despair and to elevate us to inconceivable heights. Is it the most powerful emotion that lives within us? Can we truly define it? Does its meaning change depending on our life, our experiences, our thoughts?

Is love about friendship? Does it only come to play when intimacy entwines itself within the emotion? Can we feel love equally towards our family, partner, children, friends and perhaps even our pets? Can it be one way or must it always be a reciprocal arrangement? And what about a love of life?

Is love about a life time commitment? Or can we truly experience it within the confines of a single night of reckless abandonment? Can fairytales still end with a happy ending?

Should we search for a Dummies Book on Love to find its true meaning and how to generate it in our lives? Is it not an evolutionary process that will change as we change, as others enter and leave our lives and as we travel on the high seas of life’s adventure?

I don’t have answers. I’m an observer. I’ve listened to the love songs of the century and daydreamed, cried, been moved and hoped. There’s certainly been a lot of expectancy when I’ve loved. I’ve spent thousands of dollars because I’ve loved someone. I’ve betrayed, because I loved. I’ve had a whole lot of fun, because I’ve loved. I’ve spent a whole lot of time living someone else’s dreams, because I loved. I lost myself, because I loved. I’ve had an introspective journey with myself in order to finally be able to say – I love me. Isn’t it funny how it’s always been easier to say it to somebody else?

I would really like to tell someone I love them. But I can’t – I’m not sleeping with them. Or can I?

Over the past 15 months I have learned to truly appreciate someone a little out of the ordinary – their intelligence, honesty, hope, intensity, thoughts, fragility. This person has blown some oxygen my way to help ignite my inner flame, without even aiming to, nor even understanding why. Perhaps it’s simply they never told me I should or shouldn’t do things, rather, they gave me the ability to figure things out for myself. They helped me find myself again.

This love is a little different from the past infatuations, dalliances, companionship and needs based relationships I’ve experienced. In fact, I’ve never felt this kind of love before.

Rather than an emotion, it’s about the unification of two individual journeys. Two people. Two stories. Two different places. It’s about discovering an individual and appreciating them simply for who they are. No expectations. No requirements. No hope we’ll ever make it between the sheets. No needs. Like travelling to a new city, this love is like exploring the hidden alleyways that are not written in a guide book but rather experienced, valued and captured as they are found. If I could photograph it and place it on my wall, it would take prime position.

Love.

It’s not just a four letter word. When sliding it off the tongue or radiating it from our bodies, share its meaning. Only then, will we understand its true value, capture its hidden secrets and not simply desire it, but allow it to embody the essence of our journey with ourselves and others.

Love.

It’s definitely a four letter portrait filled with colour, emotion, experience and special moments in time. Hang it high.

you bloody ripper!

First I was afraid, I was petrified.

The shower fog slowly disperses to allow the morning’s rendition to begin.

Born to be W-I-L-D

Windows are up tight in the Hyundai Getz, bass as good as it gets and as I crawl through the morning’s peak hour traffic, I dream all the other drivers are merely showing their appreciation and gathering together enmasse to create my very own mosh pit.

Ain’t no mountain high enough.

Loungerooms have not merely been invented to simply lounge in. Dimmers have been designed to allow mood lighting, wooden coffee tables that double as storage boxes are only empty so that they are suitable as drums and the one seater stool elevates the performer above the crowd.

Woah woah We’re half way there. Woah Woah living on a prayer.

And if you’re feeling ready to take your music to the world, there’s only one thing to be done to showcase your talent: karaoke. Throw down a few bevvies and you are guaranteed to survive.

It’s the final countdown.

Be one with the stage. Be one with the audience. Be one with the song. Be one with your stardom.

I did it my way.

Sing: even when you can’t, you can!

you bloody ripper!

I don’t like it. But I can handle it. I’ve stripped off in the snow. I’ve jumped into Russia’s chilly Lake Baikal with ice around the edge. This winter I’ve swum (ok dipped) in the southern ocean three times. I actually enjoy the  sensation of low temperatures when you know there’s a warm fire and change of clothes nearby. The adrenaline rush of being cold is definitely guaranteed to make you feel alive!

However, there is no doubt that I’m a warm blooded mammal. I love the heat. I thrive when I sweat. There’s nothing better than  a pair of thongs and bikini thrown into a beach bag, sun on my face, bare feet in the sand, fresh air in the lungs and a body surf in on the next biggest wave.

Today, it’s officially Spring! Soon, my Vitamin D intake will no longer be from a bottle. My winter dashes into the southern ocean will soon extend to hours of splashing, sandcastle creation and coastal walks. Dinners by the fire will be replaced by picnics in the park. Trams home in the dark will be replaced by two legged walks via the lake. Stockings will be replaced by thongs. Oops… those legs had better get some colour before they replace the jeans.  It’s a time for new life as flower buds replace dead branches and calves fill empty paddocks

Why not make this a time for giving birth to your own visions?  Spring clearance and check-ins? A time to strip off the layers. And I’m not just talking clothing, but the self-imposed shackles of rules, regulations, expectations, uncertainty and lack of commitment.

What are you going to strip off and leave behind with the winter blues? How will you spring into new beginnings? What new vision are you going to bring to life?

Plant a seed. Prune off the dead branches. Take a leap of faith. Create. It’s time!

you bloody ripper!

Going to children’s birthday parties is guaranteed to take one back to childhood.

Fresh white bread slathered with way too much butter.

Scattered hundreds and thousands.

Seated at a brown laminate kitchen table on grey vinyl chairs.

Surrounded by lime green kitchen benches.

Washing them down with orange cordial sipped out of hand painted vegemite glasses.

Tongue out – welcome to kaleidoscope land!

you bloody ripper!

It’s been a long week. I’ve said goodbye to a friend who has now moved interstate. Been dumped (ok, I’ve been ignored but I’m guessing that means he doesn’t want to see me anymore). Completed an anatomy assignment. Completed ten of my practical kinesiology hours. Learned 12 more anatomical terms. Worried about my sister who has sprained her foot and run out of credit. Got a reminder about three parking tickets that I shouldn’t have. Prepared a newsletter. Reconnected with an old flame. Ran out of food in my fridge so had a can of tuna.  Spent two hours contemplating my election vote decision. Been made redundant. Started a new job.

And all of this in a week  – seven days of juggling, emotions, hard work and candles (burning at both ends that is).

Usually one to head home after work to the serenity of quiet music, home made dinners, tea before bed, a good book and hot water bottle, I decided to accept an invitation for an after work knock off drink.

The music was loud, dinner was cooked for me, the beer was cold, wine lists and menus were easily navigated and the roaring fire replaced a frosty Melbourne winter chill. But the best part was that all of this was shared in the company of some old and new friends with much laughter, many stories and great plans for the next after work catch up.

Tuesday anyone?

you bloody ripper!