I’m back on the Metro. At first I read. But then I listened. It was so much more entertaining. Welcome to the first installment of Metro Murmurs: Melbourne’s public transport voice.

Welcome to Metro. This is a service stopping at all stations to Eltham via the city loop.

I always thought you weren’t like that. Are you serious? Never. Except now.

I finished at 4. It was so boring. Did you ask your Dad about tonight? What’s the plan? What do you want to do? I want to do what you want to do. If you looked in my head you would know what I want to do.

I put up such a performance. They said I was really honest but fell on a sword. I let them know it’s my issue and I want to straighten the record. It’s better than expected. I’m about to go in the loop. Talk later.

Hello. No. I went into the loop. Not the loo. No. No. (laughing)

Hallo. Sorry. It’s Erin. Hi Kurt. Is Hayden there? Do you know where he is? Ok. Goodbye.

She’s a slag. Actually she’s a dog but no one will go pick up her shit after her.

Hello. Don’t worry about it. Cause. Cause. Don’t worry about it. You’re tired. Don’t worry about it.

He swore on his life it wasn’t him that broke in. I don’t know bro. Have you got back up? I’ll cover your back.

Hello. Hi. Why? No. Yeh. Ok. Tell Mum I’m on my way home. Ok. Bye.

Shut up bitch. I’m reading.

you bloody ripper!