In the past, I’ve not been afraid to belt out a few tunes. Karaoke and ABBA never fail to get the toes tapping and the vocals warmed up. I grew up listening to my Mum on the piano and my grandfather clicking the spoons and proving that playing the gumleaf is an art. I dance on the tram and am known to be a bit partial to shaking the tail feather in the office.

The guitar was always my instrument of choice, but with stumpy fingers, it was never going to be a love affair made in heaven. In need of a creative outlet, I took myself to the music store and took inspiration from the ten year olds testing the trumpets, clarinets, drums and I even managed to shake a tamborine… hit me with your best shot.

Then I spied him. I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight. Not with a 152 song bank, 180 rhythms and 570 tones to work my way through. Although like all good relationships, I intended on it being worth the effort, the learnings, awkward moments and a fair bit of hard work.

With tunes by John Lennon, Elton John, Bob Dylan and Westlife in my Complete Keyboard Player #1 instruction manual, I was ready. The world, and my neighbours, had better be ready. Earplugs anyone?

Right now, I’m onto lesson 8: melody. I’ve nailed adding accompaniment (got a little bossa nova), rhythm (really… there’s four beats in a bar) and I think I’ve got the hang of a tie, crotchet, minim and semibreve. I’m playing White Rose of Athens on guitar (who cares about stumpy fingers) and I’m moving up to Blowin’ in the Wind on the oboe (between you and me I think the 92 tempo is a little slow, so I’m going to ramp it up a notch).

My love affair definitely isn’t roses – he’s always making mistakes because I pressed a wrong button and if my tone is a little off, he just won’t play what I want him to.

But between you and me, I think we’re in a for a long term relationship. If he can put up with me turning him on and off whenever I like, shutting him down when it all goes bad, walking away when the going gets tough and crawling back when I’m in need of One More Night, we’ll definitely be hanging out in a sound proofed room for a little bit longer yet.

Besides, my next lesson says that if I want to develop my musical potential to the full, I should think about changing to real chords. There’s hope for a symphony of castinets, whirrers, trombones, tamborines, gypsy guitar and african drums yet. With this one, I get to have it all.

It’s never too late to learn. Random experimental jamming is great for the soul. No one need ever hear me. I do it for me. Because I want to. I need to. And because it simply makes me feel

you bloody ripper!