I’m not quite sure if you’re like me, but why is it that every time I decide to wander around the city, my bladder instantaneously reduces to the size of a pea.

And believe me, it’s a fine art to find a decent toilet when you need it now.

A hotel lobby beckons. Shoulders back. Confidence as high as it gets. Walk in. And yes, I did wander around pretending I was looking for someone before I made my dash. Shall I buy a drink on the way out? Wait a minute, my phone is pretending to ring.

Hi. I’ll meet you out the front.

Now, back to my wandering. Relieved.

I decided when I got home that I’d like to do some research on the pea bladder situation.

My research proved to me that our government does not only consider minority groups in this country, but puts a million dollar taskforce together to ensure that they no longer need to feel isolated, guilty and fake their friends.

They were certainly on the side of the pea bladder group when the National Public Toilet Map was developed. As if the iPhone doesn’t do enough – it can now tell you where to drip and drop.

This map is a project of the national continence management strategy, so on behalf of all pea sized bladders around the country… thank you for marking the way.

And when you feel the need to roam (and not just your bladder) you can always head to www.sitorsquat.com to find a public toilet anywhere in the world. Although I’m still not sure it is totally accurate. We all know that any footpath, alleyway, gutter or tree is fair game.

Considering some of the toilets I’ve been in around the world, I’m hoping they might add the option of poo alert – the no go zone, no matter how crossed you find those legs.

If and when the public loos just don’t cut it, there’s still the hotel lobbys, golden arches, restaurants, pubs and bars to choose from. Thank goodness for you all!

Ah… that feels better now.

you bloody ripper!